I was not familiar with it until the day after Mitch passed away. Even then, it was only for one night, because the family arrived that afternoon. My daughter stayed with me for a month while I was packing up to move to New Braunfels. She worked, and I packed.
I never returned to the bed we shared. I slept on the floor with my three dogs at the time. To be honest, it felt like a safe place. It is where I landed every evening with Mitch to watch TV and eat ice cream. After that month, once everything was packed up, I was living with my daughter and her husband while I was figuring things out. I have shared that experience with you. But I knew it was time to move on, in more than one way.
I found myself wanting to be codependent on my daughter, and I was feeling like an actual grandma. I mean, hold my hand while I walk, GRANDMA! When I realized what was happening, I knew it was time.
I knew where I wanted to be the minute I saw the place. I felt it in my heart, and I felt a sense of peace just entering T Bar M. The Lord put it on my heart that this would be home. It took me a week to unpack, but I still was not sleeping there in my soon to be home. I spent my days doing “fun” stuff, if you call unpacking fun. Then I would go back to my daughter’s house to sleep in the bedroom I had grown very familiar with and felt safe in. I was procrastinating. I think I was a little scared, not knowing what to expect.
I did finally get there. I admit, I did not sleep well, and it took what seemed like forever to fall asleep. It was so quiet I could hear everything. I would even get up and peek out the window. Thank God I never saw anyone. Had I, who knows?
How did it get better? I prayed and asked the Lord to give me strength and watch over me. That was the first step. I would also talk to myself and say, you are being silly, and if you are a true believer, you would not doubt. I did grow strong, and stronger. Plus, I had two dogs that insisted on being walked so they could, you know. Walking them at 10:00 at night became our routine, and they knew it. I also did not want to get up at 6:00 a.m., which was the time Mitch had to be up for work. I never did care for that.
It helped because they would bark if anyone or anything, even a deer, got too close. It brought back a memory of something Mitch would always say, if anything ever happens to me, Wylie, his dog, will watch over you and not let anything happen. The funny thing is, I kind of believed that.
It does get better in time, and we will talk more about that. There is a point to this story. Yes, I was scared. No, it was not something I really wanted to do. Was it easy? No way. Yes, I probably could have stayed with my daughter where I felt safe, but would it have been good for me or for them, no.
I wanted to stay independent, and the first step to that is having a home of your own. And so, it begins.
