I remember when I attended a grief group a few months after Rob died. We were brought outside to sit in a garden and were asked to share everything that we saw in the garden that brought us joy. I passed because I didn’t see anything. All I could see were the bluebonnets and that Rob wasn’t there to see them with me. He loved Spring. I tried to find the joy, but all I saw were the weeds in the garden. I remember crying and the leader handing me a tissue to wipe the tears.
I quickly learned that my tears and my sorrow made others uncomfortable. Death and grief make people uncomfortable. I wanted to have joy, push through, wipe the tears, and have a warrior faith. The more I tried to fight the battle and go around my grief, the more stuck I became and the more I hid from others. I felt like my sadness, even after months and years, meant that I was weak spiritually.
In my prayers, God just kept bringing me to stillness and that I needed to be still. I needed to stop trying to go around my grief and go through it, with my eyes open, holding His hand, trusting that it would be ok. I knew it was what I needed to do. I needed to stop invalidating my own heart and stop suppressing my sadness, my loneliness, my rage, my envy, my numbness, my pain, my heartache, my tears, my weariness, and all my questions.
I learned that having sorrow doesn’t invalidate our faith. Our sorrow is sacred ground, and you are not a weak spiritual woman if you show your pain, all of it, the raw, rugged, realness of pain and sorrow. The deep ache of loss. Others need to see it.
The promise that Jesus gives us is that He will give us HIS presence in our pain. The only way that I fully could understand this deep in my soul, was to start to go through my grief. I learned that it was hard, it may bring up other areas that need to be reclaimed and restored by God, and I learned that He cares about my grief. I have developed a greater compassion for others and it has turned into a beautiful gift in my life. Your sorrow may be the most beautiful expression of your faith.
Take a moment and sit. Let yourself feel and ask God, “here. will you please help me with all of this? It’s too much for me. I am so tired.” Open your hands and let Him show you the way.
